Tag Archives: love

Intuition – A Love Letter

Twenty-two years ago, almost to the day, I attended a workshop run by a charming lady called Judith, a relationship counsellor, somewhere in north London. I remember the event being tremendous fun as well as profoundly useful. At the time, my first husband and I were in the throes of separation, or ‘conscious uncoupling’, as it is now more affectionately known. Uncoupling, even with the noblest intention in the world, demands a great deal of courage and a humble and contrite heart. In my case, it also called for a lot of self-help workshops. Fans of Elizabeth Gilbert and Eat, Pray, Love will know exactly what I mean.

This morning, I stumbled across a handwritten self-addressed letter in a tattered brown paper envelope. Inside was a handwritten letter, a note to self, dated 23rd October 1992. The beauty and clarity of the message startled me. There’s something about heartfelt transparency that cuts straight to the chase. This is what it said:-

Dear Christina,

You have learnt this week that you must really listen to yourself and act on your intuition, without thinking too much about what could or could not be. You have learnt the importance of sharing with people, of accepting people as they truly are and of accepting all the irritations and niggles you feel.

The important thing is to use your voice even when you feel that what you have to say is not as good, not as important as anybody else’s. You have learnt that holding on to sadness only reinforces it and does not set you free. You have learnt that you are now ready to leave the nest, but in order to do so, you must try out your wings and spread them out.

You have learnt that nobody else will love you if you do not love yourself. You have learnt that honesty and love is the answer to everything – and acceptance. And you have learnt that you have many gifts inside you that you must now put into practice without expectation and holding on to other things.

With love,
From me to you xxx

Twenty-two years is a lengthy passage of time. Yet if you subscribe to the viewpoint that

“life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away”

time is highly over-rated. Time bears no significance in the wisdom school of living and loving. In these past twenty-two years, a very happy second marriage and second ‘conscious uncoupling’, divorce has taken place. Another opportunity to deepen the practice of acceptance, surrender to what was and allow new pathways to emerge. My commitment to keep my heart open to give and receive loves continues to be my guiding force. Great teachers really do appear when you most need them. Darren Eden from Devon, a master in the field of intuition, has picked up the mantle from Judith, the relationship counsellor from north London. Great teachers are the ones who walk unfalteringly alongside you when you are terrified of drowning, encouraging you to let go and dive deeper. Great teachers never tell you what to do, but they will hold up a mirror to your very own soul.

“Listen to yourself and act on your intuition” continues to serve me well. In this age of ‘click click information’, there is only one place to go, one voice to listen to.

“To thy own self be true”

but remember, always, there is no need to be a hermit. The world needs you and deep sea divers need companions too.

Self-love and self-compassion is a second by second, minute by minute, daily, forever practice. It requires self-discipline, self-acceptance, oodles of patience, always peppered with a huge dollop of humour. In return we receive a priceless gift, the heart of who we are. As we continue to disarm, lay down our inner defences, what pours through is pure intuition, a God-given gift, the inner voice of love and the sweet nectar of all relationships. Intuition is Me-shaped. The source of intuition, like the source of the stream which leads to the river which leads to the sea, starts with Me.

“Hearts were broken”

 La Pieta, Frances Ernest Jackson (1872-1945), St James Church, Piccadilly, London

‘Hearts were broken’ is dedicated to all the nameless, blameless, faceless and shameless, those who have loved and lost;  in other words, all of us, possibly, probably…one way or another.  In memoriam.

 

Viewpoints are many,

Consequences the same.

The path tried and tested,

The road less travelled,

The lucky/unlucky draw,

Hearts were broken.

Knowing, not knowing,

Just saying, not saying,

Denying, crying,

In denial, lying,

In time, past time, ahead of time

Hearts were broken.

Another time, another place,

The sirens call a familiar face.

Just do it and screw it,

Take your time at a slow pace,

Whatever…….Just

Never…ever… forget to remember,

Hearts are broken.

Hearts made to be broken

Scattered, splintered, shattered

Put back together

Piece by piece

Until we are whole

Again…

One circle of love

Hearts are broken

 

 

Teenage Idol – Love is all you need

 

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Any discussion on love and idolatry sets me in a spin.  The swings and roundabouts of romance and love.  The agony and the ecstasy.   Maybe it’s because as a teenager I thought love made the world go round.  Maybe it’s because now I’m no longer a teenager, I know love makes the world go round.    I’ve arrived at a place where naivete and innocence are reconciled.  And I’m enjoying the view.   The 360 degree perspective.  This is the joy of the journey of love.   It never changes, just goes round and round in circles.   A song without end.    Love…fun…fairgrounds…err…where am I going with this?

I can’t remember hero worshipping the usual popular suspects, but then again I was not quite old enough to be fully swinging in the swinging 60’s.  I do remember that Scott Walker’s beauty, the richness of his voice and his “Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore”, got my heart fluttering far more than Lennon and McCartney’s “Yesterday” ever did.  Elvis the Pelvis never really quite did it for me, neither could I ever understand how Tom Jones acquired so many female knickers.   Stevie Winwood, Marvin Gaye, Cat Stevens…hmm now we’re talking.

The concept of ‘teenage idols’ or ‘crushes’ may need re-examining.  Perhaps the phrase is a bit too limited, too restrictive.   My teenage idols were not necessarily mainstream populist people.  I fell in love truly, madly, deeply (and always silently, more Bridget Jones style) with people who displayed passion through performance.  I particularly remember Frank Wibaut, a very talented pianist in a Chopin competition I took part in.  For years, he was my idol.

As we travel back in time, we realise we are forever teenagers in our hearts.    Maybe the real beauty is in that it’s less about the messenger and more about the message.   Maybe idols are simply people who stir our passion, awaken something in our souls, make us want to be more like them, less like us.    Maybe an idol magically brings home the message that love endures and transcends time and space.  That it never ever dies.  And the spirit of romance is always alive within us.  Rachmaninov’s second piano concerto, Frederic Chopin, the pulling of heart strings…these are my teenage and my forever idols.

Then again before I get too transcendental, purist or whiter than white,  appearance does play a big part in the passion test too.  Enrico Inglesias has always done it for me.   And in his case, it’s definitely as much about the messenger as the message.   He can be my hero anytime.  Yes, love and beauty never dies.  Long may we cherish our teenage sweethearts.

In Joyful Sorrow

 

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Reflecting on my journey this Passion week, I am in utter awe of the sheer beauty and majesty of this world.  So many heart stopping moments.  The joy of friendship and family; the joy of community, participation, burgeoning new friendships, visions, nestling in and birthing from the bosom of the familiar; the vision of the red hot sun and the red hot moon on Tuesday ;  Allegri’s Miserere at St Sepulchres on Maundy Thursday, where amidst the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, fortunes made and fortunes lost in this great city of London, all stood absolutely still in the silent presence of continuum.   This is love.   This is Passion.  This is our Lenten journey.  This is our Cross and our Joy.  Creation and re-creation.  Heart stopping moments of bliss, of sorrow and everything in between.     Hearts are made to be broken; pierced; time and time, so we dive ever deeper through our individual and our collective wound.  So that we can love ever more fiercely and faithfully, ever more lovingly, willingly and joyfully through our sorrow.   When our hearts are pierced the waters of life and the rivers of blood meet and flow into the divine ocean of love.    This is our one and only purpose.    To surrender.  To ask for forgiveness and remain centred in the presence of our own embryonic love, trusting, knowing that we are safe and deeply loved, no matter what chaos, turmoil or stormy seas abide.  To know that no matter how far we run or hide, love finds us and is with us, always in all ways.   With deepest gratitude on this Good Friday for everything that was, everything that is and everything that is to come.   In peace, in joy, in sorrow and always in love   

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